Forward Motion

I'll take a bottle of red....I'm going to need it.

I just love everyone's words of support!  Thanks so much for understanding my stress!  It really is quite crazy.  Here's the latest.  This morning, DH talked to the guy in Italy who made it quite clear that we'd be going to Vicenza.  He then called the guy at branch assignments in D.C.  That guy wasn't quite as convincing, but seemed to indicate that Vicenza was certainly a reasonable option.

By noon, on the Army Knowledge Online site, DH's Assignment Satisfaction Key page said On Assignment - CS EDERLE.  For weeks that page has said Schweinfurt, Germany, so I do not think it is a coincidence that after a few phone calls it has suddenly changed.  (Caserma Ederle is the name of the base in Vicenza.)

Therefore, we are assuming as much as it is possible to assume anything at this point, that we are now moving to Vicenza, Italy in the second week of June.  The SGM in Italy also wrote DH that he would have at least 6 months before he would deploy.  Not holding my breath on that one, but I do hope he'll be there long enough to help me unpack a few boxes.

When I am able to wrap my head around this rather sudden and major change, I'm pretty pleased with Italy.  Having lived there before makes it much easier to know what to expect.  The food....oh, the wonderful food!  The only thing I'm not thrilled with is the weather.  I remember miserable, hot, muggy summers.  Although Vicenza is in northern Italy, it sits in a valley and the smoggy, warm air just sits there and stagnates.  Perhaps because we had no air conditioning ever, it seemed worse.

The website for Vicenza is so much better than anything I'd found for Germany!  Take a look at all the amazing travel, shopping, and vacation opportunities sponsored by the base!  I have connected with another military wife who is blogging from Vicenza who has assured me she'll show me a place to get good, cheap wine.  I've also made contact with a knitter on Ravelry who is in Vicenza, so I already feel like I will "know" a few people there.  And in the way of the army, DH will likely know half of post by the end of day 2.

The kids are very excited, although a little hesitant, understandably not wanting to get too worked up in case things change again.  Grace had really had her heart set on Germany, for reasons I'm not sure of.  When I told her that Italy was much warmer and I'd need to buy her another swimsuit and more summer clothes, she suddenly was totally on board with the Italian plan.  Alex has kind of been hoping for Italy all along, again for reasons I'm not sure of.

My dear husband is being very understanding of my dark and gloomy personality lately.  I have told him that it isn't him, it isn't this move, it's just where I am right now.  I'm often sad and teary and angry and I can't pin it on any one thing, it's just time for me to be this way for a while.  He doesn't expect me to pretend to be happy and relaxed and has allowed me to vent and hibernate in my mental shell whenever I need it.

I just can't believe that come July 2nd, the day my husband proposed marriage to me 16 years ago, we'll be right back in the exact same place.  And did I mention the food?  I cannot wait to taste my favorite pizza with mushrooms, eggplant, gorgonzola, and artichokes.  Will it taste as heavenly as I remember?

Two Sentences

So, yeah.  How 'bout that.  Ahem.

I wish I could say, "Oh, my!  Sorry for that awkward little breakdown!  I'm fine now, really!"  Actually, I've developed a crazy twitch in my eye and here's how I'm know I'm having some kind of crisis - I'm not really hungry.  Nothing sounds good to eat.  There is right now in my freezer Blue Belle Cherry Amaretto Almond ice cream and I haven't had a single taste.  People, this is beyond stress. We are into totally unchartered territory here.  I have NEVER not wanted to eat.

Still, I am doing better than I was the day I puked up my emotions here.  I really needed to get that out and I want to say THANK YOU so much to those of you who commented and emailed me.  My life is shifting so much right now, as I careen toward 40, as my kids are shaving (both of them now, please spare me), as we near retirement, as it feels like everything is changing..  I am really still too unbalanced to answer you personally, but please know that I so appreciate all of your words.

'Nuff of that for now.  I've got a few dry heaves of emotion left, but I'll save it for another time.

Because the crazy around here is just getting going.  Poor DH can see that I'm unraveling, I don't hide it too well.  I finally begged him last night to send an email to his gaining unit or housing or someone.  Just make contact.  Just let's feel like we are doing something.  He sent an email this morning to the SGM in Germany with a copy going to the SGM in Italy, basically just outlining our timetable and asking about the deployment schedule.  He briefly mentioned something like "There was mentioned in February a possibility that I'd be diverted to Italy, just wanted to check on the status of that issue."

Hours later, he gets a reply from the SGM in Italy.  Two sentences.  "That change should have already been processed.  I will take care of it next week."

Umm....

SGMs must not be known for their clarity.  DH and I stared at those two sentences and then I jabbed pencils in my eyes and ran out screaming into the street where I dissolved into a pile of ash.  Or close to it.  I had a moment there where it was a real possibility. Then I started to think, "Italy.  I've been there.  Italian is way easier than German.  The food is really good."  And I maybe relaxed just a teensy tiny bit.

Let me sum this up.  We are moving in 6 weeks.  We do not have solid confirmation of what country we are going to.

Just pass the Diet Coke, please.

Honestly.

I do not want to move to Germany.

There. I said it.

This blog has been kind of quiet lately because I've been holding that in, but you know what?  Around the kids I am keeping a cheerful attitude, speculating about how great living in Europe will be, and acting excited over all the new experiences we'll have.  Around DH I am trying to stay pleasant and organized and helpful to deal with the indecent amount of paperwork and preparation that moving overseas requires.

But I'm also on the verge of tears at any given moment.  In fact, I made myself cry just writing these few lines.  I'm shoving these emotions to the bottom of my mental laundry hamper, but they are really starting to stink.

I don't want to go.

Yesterday, DH had to do some routine medical testing to get clearance for the overseas job.  (See?  It's such a hassle.  He wouldn't have to do all this stuff if we were moving within the States.)  The results from his hearing test were shocking.  His hearing has diminished significantly since he was tested after returning from Iraq.

Quick review - while in Iraq in 2004, DH was driving a vehicle that hit two improvised explosive devices.  No one was seriously wounded, but he suffered a head injury and still has shrapnel in his scalp.  He returned to duty immediately and other than hearing loss, the incident hasn't affected him further physically.  Also, not to be crass and money grubbing, but HELLO disability check!!

The audiologist explained that he's learned to compensate for the hearing loss by reading lips and picking up on other cues.  I don't know if I haven't noticed severity or if I've also compensated and adapted to the way he hears.  It sure seems like I holler a lot, but I don't think that's because of him.

Anyway, the point to this is that the audiologist told him he needed to return to the hospital for additional testing to get the paperwork authorized to cut our orders.  He said that if DH delayed on this, it could affect our assignment, possibly even cancelling it.

I think that was supposed to be parlayed as a bad thing, but I was all, "REALLY?  Do you think that will work?"  DH looked at me like I was crazy and said, "You really don't want to go that badly?"  I backpedaled a bit and said that more than likely if he delayed on the paperwork, we'd just end up scrambling in the last few days to get things done and end up going to Germany even more stressed out than necessary.  The Army has decided that's where we are supposed to go and paperwork for a hearing test isn't dramatic enough to alter that.

I can't help it.  I don't want an adventure.  I don't care about seeing castles and other countries.  I've been to Europe.  I want to stay where the stores are open on Sundays and where I can read the signs.  I want to know that if I want to see my family, I can get in a car and drive to them.  I don't want to live out of suitcases for weeks and weeks and weeks.  I don't want to put my appliances in storage.  I want to have a house with closets and 110 voltage and toilets that....oh, I don't want to think about European toilets or I'll surely take to my bed and sob all day.

Yes, we'll be able to go great places and do awesome things, but that's what...on weekends and maybe a trip every month or so.  It's the prospect of the day to day living outside of the US that has me so depressed.  Knowing that it's quite likely that DH will be deployed for a year within 6-8 months after we arrive makes it even harder.  I can do a year alone without him when I'm in the States.  And I'm sure I can do it in Germany.  But it's not going to be good.

I feel like a bratty toddler, stamping my feet and screaming NO!  I DON'T WANNA!  I'm a military wife and a damn good one.  This is what I have to do.  I keep reminding myself how I said that I would rather go to Germany than back to someplace like Ft. Polk, Louisiana.  I am thankful he's not headed straight into a deployment as some families are facing.  But as the time gets closer and we sell and store and sort our possessions, I am working very hard to convince myself of this.  As a mother and a spouse, it is my job to dry my tears and be the one who makes this move work.

But I can only tell you, I do not want to go.

Shiny happy pretty reading.

Here is my new toy I mentioned in that last post:

It's the Kindle from Amazon and I loves it so much.  Everytime I try to explain to people what a Kindle is, they get very perplexed, so I must be messing it up somehow.  But I am someone who always has to be reading a book and usually 2 or 3 books.  This is a way of reading books electronically.  It will store hundreds of books and it always remembers where you stopped reading, so you never lose your place.  The screen isn't like a computer screen, it's very easy on the eyes, almost better than reading off a real page.    (Also, it has a different screen saver of a classic author or book each time it goes on standby.)

This was a gift from DH to me, just something to spoil me.  He saw someone at work with one and knew I would like it.  He came home and asked me if I'd ever heard of one.  I was like, "Ummm....YES.  I've only been drooling over them every time Amazon sends me an email about them."  He knows how much I was going to miss bookstores like Barnes & Noble.  Perhaps he was dreading the number of boxes I'd be ordering online after we moved. 

In the US, the Kindle works wirelessly, using networks like a cell phone.  When I find a book I want to read, I click "Buy" and I can start reading it in seconds.  It's awesome when I finish one great book in series and I want to read the next one right away.  No more waiting for the library to get it in or finding time to go the bookstore or place the order.  It's an indulgence that takes some of the sting out of leaving the US.

Once we move, I'll download books via USB, but I'll still have access to all the content.  Recently released books aren't exactly cheap, about $9.99 for most of them, although there are many books for under $5.  But that's way cheaper than hardcover is and think of the shelf space I am saving!!  There are also many free books, mostly classics.  I can also read a sample chapter before I buy a book, which is handy when I can't remember if I've already read something.  It's going to be so perfect for traveling.  No way I'd have room in my suitcase for 10 books, but I can take as many as I want on the Kindle.

Just in case all of that is not awesome enough, I can buy very cute cases for it on Etsy.

 

AND.....a different case that allows it to stand.

That's the first chapter of "The Wee Free Men" by Terry Pratchett and you should read it, even if you don't have a Kindle.  The font size is adjustable to however big you'd like; I have it pretty large here.  I hope you realize what I intend to use this for.  Reading while knitting.  If I'm doing a stockinette, I don't need to look at my hands very often.  I will have knitting to show you again eventually.  I might actually finish a pair of socks one of these days.

I thought maybe I'd miss the feel of a real book in my hands and turning real pages.  Nope.  Within about 10 minutes, I was completely addicited and wanted to read everything, including the back of my cereal box on the Kindle.  The only weird thing is have a percentage bar at the bottom that tells you how far you've read.  It takes a little adjustment to visualize about how many pages you have left.

Grace is doing great with her contacts now.  It only took her a few days to get the hang of taking them in and out.  I knew that it was kind of a grown-up step for her, but I didn't think about how it would make her LOOK so grown up now.  I'm so used to seeing her as a little girl with glasses and she went and turned into a young lady on me.

 

And this kid of mine was in a grouchy mood, but still let me take a photo. 

See that faint 'stache on his upper lip there?  It's gone now.  He shaved.  You can imagine the toll this is taking on me.

Just a short one

I'm not so emotional as I've gotten older, but when I dropped my dad off at the airport, I got a little sobby.  Maybe because it was 4:45 a.m. and I was really tired.  More likely, it was knowing that seeing my dad again in the next three years isn't going to be easy.  He usually plans business trips near wherever we are living and I'd see him several times a year.  Now it's going to be a major event involving lots of frequent flier miles or MAC flights to see each other.

We had a good visit and he brought me these amazing chocolates from William Dean Chocolates.  Really interesting flavors like lavendar and mango and rosemary.  Okay, the rosemary chocolate wasn't my favorite, but I had another one that was citrusy and that one was delicious.  We also worked on business stuff and he gave me so much information for doing stuff in Excel that I thought my brains would drip out my ears.

That's pretty much it for today.  I wish I had more to say, but I'm just fried.

I'll show your photos of a new toy of mine tomorrow, but I'm just too lazy to go to the other computer to post them tonight.

A little rambling for a Wednesday

I'm so unfocused lately that I'm just going to throw a few things out here.

Angela was surprised that I bought a red/orange trench coat, since I make no secret of hating orange.  I'm a little shocked myself.  Maybe I'm weakening in my hatred of orange.  Perhaps there are some shades that really aren't too hideous?  Besides, the coat really does lean more toward red, although it's a tough color to photograph:

And it was on sale for $16, so there's that.

My dad is coming this weekend.  It's been almost a year since I've seen him and I'm so glad he's going to be able to visit before we leave.  Both my parents have given me their assurances that they intend to come see us in Europe and I really hope that happens.  But my dad is also my boss, so that means I need to clean all the yarn off my desk and tidy up the place.

The universe is conspiring with new and creative way to prevent me from sleeping at night.  Lately, the DVR cable box in the bedroom is making a noise like it's rebooting every few minutes in the wee hours of the night.  I'm yanking the plug on that sucker tonight.  The last few nights, the dog has commenced with a nervous breakdown right around 2:30 a.m.  She's shaking, panting, and won't settle down, just like when there is a thunderstorm, but there's no storm.  The wind hasn't ever affected her this way, so I have no idea what that's all about other than an effort to make me crazy. 

Knitting seems kind of like a chore right now.  I feel like I have to finish up the socks I have going before I can start something else.  I have 3 pairs on the needles.  One is a boring ribbed sock for my purse and I have just cast on for the toe of the second in that pair.  Next is the Bugga! socks which are lovely, but very slow going and take a measure of concentration that I can't seem to find very often.  Last are a pair of Super Stripey Vesper socks for me.  These sit by my desk and get worked on often, although sometimes just a row or so at a time.  I'm finallllly finishing up the Klaralund sweater, but redoing stuff is never as fun as doing it the first time.

It's nearly time to put DH's truck up for sale.  He's grieving, for sure.  I keep telling him to focus on the terrific truck he'll get when we return in 3 years, but he really loves this truck.  I might go through this when I sell the washer/dryer too, although we already have a neighbor who wants to buy it.

If things go as scheduled, we'll be getting on a plane for Europe in exactly 2 months.  I'm looking at those words, but they just do not make sense.

I hope when there has been a solid week of cold rain in Germany, I will think back and remember how very, very much I hate this wind here.  I cannot believe I would actually choose rain over wind, but I am at that point.

Preparing to break the bubble.

A couple that we knew from our last duty station is going to be coming here this summer to attend the next academy class.  They're currently stationed in Colorado (luckies!) and decided to drive down and check this place out and see about schools for their kids.  It's interesting now to look at our last 10 months here through new eyes.

We've very much been living in a bubble.  Everyone here is walking the same path, military wise at least.  It's almost like a frat house for the guys.  They have all these buddies here, old friends and new, and we all live within the same little neighborhood.  We all came here at the same time and we'll all leave around the same time.  It's an odd thing in the military.

What makes the bubble rather unpleasant is times like this when there is a lot going on that stressed people out.  I swear you can almost see the cloud of tension hanging over the streets.  People preparing for separations, people getting ready to move to new countries, people who still don't know where their assignment will be.  The overall attidude in everyone I talk to is, "I'm really ready to be done with this and move on."  The cheerfulness of last year has disappeared.

I'm trying not to fall into the negative gloom.  I told DH that I was staying home from all social events this weekend.  I just want to relax and rest and catch up on some sleep and not have any more of those conversations that make me scowly.

It's a little thing, but I must admit, I get really happy every time I open the coat closet.  At the Old Navy outlet, I found a belted trenchcoat in a bright burnt orangey-red.  Price?  $16.  I haven't had a colorful coat since I was a kid and I can't wait for some foul weather to wear it in.

Look what Alex ordered that's making him very happy:

   

Iron Maiden Vans.  We had to do a lot of online searching to find him the right size.  That would be size 13.

Grace is now wearing contact lenses. I know 11 is a bit young for it, but she seemed like she was ready and I wanted to give it a try before we moved overseas.  She does handle personal hygiene matters very responsibly and she's motivated to be able to wear sunglasses.  At first, she had a very hard time putting them in and taking them out.  After only a few days of practice, she's doing great.  It was hard for me to watch her try and try and then blink at the wrong moment and not get it in.  I've worn them since I was 14 and can pop them in without a mirror.  While driving on an interstate.